Celebrating Father’s Day — Lessons from Calgary dads
There’s not a better time to introduce you to these great gay dads than on Father’s Day in this Pride In Business Community Spotlight, in partnership with TD.
By Fraser Tripp
In 2020, there are many different pathways to fatherhood and, while their children may not arrive in the same fashion, gay, bisexual, and trans fathers all carry hopes, dreams, and lessons borne from their parental journey. To celebrate these individual journeys around Fathers Day, we reached out to six couples from our Calgary community to discover more about their experiences as dads.
Justin Gayliard & Oscar Canon
Justin Gayliard, Oscar Canon and family
Justin Gayliard, Oscar Canon and family
Professions: Business Management
Number of Children and Ages: We have two children – ages five years and 18 months
Method (Adoption/surrogacy/etc) and location: We adopted our first child, she was born seven weeks early in Phoenix, Arizona and we were fortunate to be there for her birth and spent four weeks in NICU with her. To grow our family further, we “adopted” an embryo and had a supportive surrogate in the Raleigh, North Carolina area who carried her to term.
The most unexpected impact of fatherhood: The most unexpected impact has been the need to continuously come out – most people assume when they see one of us with kids, that you are the dad and ask about “mom”. We’re comfortable enough to correct people kindly and share our daughters have two dads, but this happens more often and can be particularly challenging when going to doctor appointments, crossing international borders, registering for school, etc…
One of the lessons you have learned as a father: The importance of patience and providing guidance in a caring and loving way. Our children are learning every day and trying to establish their individuality and purpose. We’ve encouraged our children to help clear the table at an early age — dishes have been broken, milk spilled — but we smile, help them clean it up, and learn from the accident. The sense of pride and joy as they are given purpose and trust is well worth a few broken dishes.
What are you working on as a father? We continue to work on our own patience. When walls get drawn on, baby lotion spread all over a bedroom, or papers get ripped up, we try to find the balance between discipline and learning while maintaining a level head. Remembering our own moments of childhood serve as a good reminder to ensure we come at the situation with unconditional love.
Your hopes for your child(ren): I think all parents share similar hopes for their children: happiness, love, success. Ultimately, we hope our children are able to grow up to realize their full potential in whatever they choose, finding purpose and long-term happiness. We want to make sure we provide our children a strong foundation and the tools to manage the challenges they will face and the opportunity to make decisions which are best for them.
Your top piece of advice for LGBTQ+ prospective parents or parents to be: Don’t ever give up on your dream of starting a family and remember that once you do, you’ll be learning every day with your children — they become the priority. When we were growing up, we thought our parents were infallible and perfect. As we become parents, we realize how our parents were learning and making mistakes as well. Humanize yourself: let your children see you make mistakes and how you learn and grow. Most importantly — remember you’ll get lots of advice, but you’re the parent to your child(ren) and you get decide what you think is best — celebrate the successes and learn from the mistakes.
Austin, Stefan & Maya (aka miss Maya papaya)
Austin, Stefan & Maya (aka miss Maya papaya)
Profession: Engineer, Engineer & Boss Baby
Number of Children and Ages: one, two weeks old
Method (Adoption/surrogacy/etc) and location (optional): Surrogacy. Canada. Journey here: https://youtu.be/knI7TMHkCXU
The most unexpected impact of fatherhood: Maya was born on June 5th, 2020 so we haven't had too much time with her yet, so fatherhood is still new. We travelled to Toronto amidst the COVID pandemic to be closer to our surrogate during the birth. Due to the pandemic we were told that we would not be allowed in the hospital due to safety regulations and limited visitors. While this was disappointing, it was something that we understood and accepted. However, hours prior to the birth we received an unexpected phone call granting us permission to witness the birth. It was really moving to witness the literal blood, sweat, and tears, that our surrogate endured for us to welcome Maya into our family.
Austin & miss Maya papaya)
One of the lessons you have learned as a father: It's a two man job! Having the support of your partner is so essential to combat the sleepless nights and full blown poop explosions. When one of us gets frustrated, we tap the other dad in to take over. A child can never have too much love and we are both giving Maya 100% or ours.
What are you working on as a father? It's my dream to be a stay at home dad. Over the past two years I've started up my own Amazon ecommerce business. I'm putting in the time now to be able to spend as much time with Maya as I can in the future.
My hopes for my child(ren): To grow up and grow into her own truly unique and authentic self, while always knowing the unconditional love from her dads.
Maya (aka miss Maya papaya)
My top piece of advice for LGBTQ+ prospective parents or parents to be: TALK ABOUT IT! There are so many couples (straight and gay) that are coping with infertility and are ashamed to talk about it. It's viewed as a taboo subject and it really shouldn't be. If you are going through the process of starting a family, be an open book and share your experiences with the people around you.
Jarom and Adam Moriyama-Bondar
Profession: Group Benefits Advisor for Gallagher/Registered Nurse for TC Energy
Number of Children and Ages: 1 Son named Hiro who is 2.5 years old
Method (Adoption/surrogacy/etc) and location: Private Adoption in Calgary
The most unexpected impact of fatherhood:
Adam: How accepting and supportive everyone has been. I guess I felt like there would be some discrimination or criticism, but I have never felt that, and my fears were unfounded.
Jarom: I think it has brought me a lot of awareness/respect of other parents and the amount of work, stress, and struggle all parents go through that I could not relate to or understand before.
One of the lessons you have learned as a father:
Adam: I have learned to adjust my expectations and to plan/prepare for things to not go how you planned. One needs to be able to adapt.
Jarom: To prioritize having more of a balance between work, family, and social.
Jarom, Adam and Hiro Moriyama-Bondar
What are you working on as a father?
Adam: I am working on how to educate and entertain our son since he has been out of daycare for three months.
Jarom: I am always working on patience — a virtue I never strongly possessed prior to having a child but one that is essential in being a parent.
My hopes for my child(ren):
Jarom: I hope for our son to be able to have the ability to truly follow his dreams and do what makes him happy while positively contributing to society, regardless of status or pay.
Adam: I hope for him to thrive with as many opportunities as children from straight parents and to feel as accepted and safe with two male parents.
My top piece of advice for LGBTQ+ prospective parents or parents to be:
Jarom: Do everything you have always wanted to now! Do it all before you have your child(ren) cause you can’t go back! Haha. When it comes to travel, partying, working, etcetera, it will never be the same. If you want to maintain a lifestyle similar to your “gay” one, just accept it will cost you a lot more and you will forever be tired. Everyone will tell you how you should raise a child and how to live but make your family life what YOU want it to be. Be true to yourself. Just as you are a unique LGBTQ+ individual, you will also be a unique LGBTQ+ parent.
Adam: Explore your options in various ways to be build a family and go with your instinct and what you feel comfortable with. There is no wrong way to do it as families are built in so many different ways.
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